twenty-seven
thoughts on aging, hopelessness, & surviving. plus: what i'm reading & watching right now
what i’ve been thinking about
on February 8th, i turned 27. this was also the start of my new year; January exists as a sort of trial month for me. February is when it really begins, when my worldview shifts and my life starts anew, when i begin to crave a different path for myself, when i set goals and resolutions and envision my future.
as is the standard for my birthday, i was quite melancholy, though i did not cry as i often used to. each year that passes strikes fear into my heart. see, i know that i am still young–only 27!–yet i feel old. every year on february 8th, the thought that time is running out implants itself into my brain. i obsess over all the people who have achieved more than i have so far, at a younger age than i have just turned. i think of other writers like helen oyeyemi and sally rooney and zadie smith and mary shelley, and i berate myself, “gosh, jaysen, what the fuck are you doing with your life?” the thought even extends to people outside of my creative field, like timothee chalamet, who i only compare myself to because we went to the same high school and university (shoutout to Gallatin, THEE program for celebs who don’t actually attend classes!) imagine being academy-award nominated at age 23! meanwhile i was working at the same office job that i got hired at a month after graduating, that i’m still working at now. pitiful, i think.
this line of thinking is typical for a birthday of mine, but this year there was an additional cloud of hopelessness hanging heavy over me. how could i look at the world around me – Palestinians in Gaza being starved and bombed, houseless people being persecuted for the “crime” of not having shelter, trans children being killed by their own classmates, the layoffs, the inflation, the natural world being destroyed, activists being murdered, it never ends – and actually attempt to envision a future? what use was a five year plan if we’d soon be living in some type of Mad Max dystopia, fighting for water and food and other life-giving resources? the daily headlines of genocide, war, corruption, greed, made my dreams of publishing fiction seem frivolous.
and if i'm being real, they probably are. on my bad days, i just want to give up. i want to lay down on the floor and never get up again, because what's the point of making goals and resolutions and trying to better anything for anyone, least of all myself, when everything is the way it is?
….but then, i think of the Palestinian orphans and widows who have not given up, even in the face of missiles and starvation and forced displacement. i think of the Congolese people speaking out against large, powerful corporations and countries to put an end to the exploitation they are experiencing. i think of the trans youth who live unapologetically, even in the most hostile environments. i think of James Baldwin, who continued to witness and to write even when he had no faith in his country. i think of Toni Cade Bambara, whose experiences as an activist informed her fiction writing. i think of my ancestors, who kept going, who are the reason i can type these words today. i think of my community, the way people have always leaned on each other for financial/emotional/mental support because these systems want to destroy us. i think of all the people choosing to survive, even in the face of all this.
i think of myself as a miserable, depressed little kid, who did not plan to live past age 18 because i was sure i would kill myself before then.
i owe it to my younger self and to those people around the world, both living and dead, who inspire me with their strength and resolve, to keep living, keep writing, keep learning. the thought that popped into my head on my birthday hasn't gone away, because it's true: time is running out. so i can’t spend anymore of it trapped by fear and despair.
on february 8th, i made many goals, but only one real resolution:
this year i am going to take myself seriously as a writer, as a thinker, as a citizen of the world.
so hi, everybody. here i am.
what i’ve been reading
Butter Honey Pig Bread, Francesca Ekwuyasi’s debut novel, which tells the story of Kambirinachi, an ọgbanje who chooses to live in the flesh world, and her twin daughters, Taiye and Kehinde. i always love multi-generational family stories, even if it’s just two generations, and i love POV switches. Taiye and Kambirinachi’s sections are in third-person, while Kehinde’s is in first, but i didn’t feel at a remove from the third-person sections. i also loved how prevalent setting was. the characters moved between Lagos, Ife, Paris, Montreal, Halifax, Tangier, & London. i think maybe some other cities, too. also, food! there were mouth-watering descriptions of food and recipes weaved into the story. and i loved the way Ekwuyasi writes about desire - like hunger, it is insatiable. i just finished it last night, but i may write more about this book as i let it marinate. keep an eye out. 👁️👁️
“There Is No Moral Imperative to Be Miserable” published by Mental Hellth. in my adolescence, i definitely subscribed to the individualistic belief that i could yoga & talk therapy & medicate my way out of depression. as a young adult, i was very much a believer that i was depressed because of capitalism/racism/cisheteropatriarchy. and this is true, but, like, i agree with the author that using that as an excuse to not do anything abut my mental health is not great. this essay didn’t necessarily teach me anything new, but i appreciated it as a reminder that i am capable of exercising agency, and there are some small things i can do to mitigate my own suffering, especially as an American citizen. like, some people truly can do very little about their current circumstances. i am a young, able-bodied person with stable employment and housing. i’m not saying that i don’t have a right to be sad about my life since other people have it worse, but i don't have to accept the sadness and despair either. i can do a little something about it, and i can do my part to help ease the suffering of others. and so can you.
what i’ve been watching
for the past few months, i have been watching A LOT of Modern Family. my partner and i started it by accident in November or December and are now on the 10th season. i will not be taking any questions at this time.
as if it couldn't get any worse, i have also been watching Law & Order: Special Victims Unit from the beginning. i know, copaganda bad. very very bad. it’s wild to watch it and see all the little and big ways they normalize police brutality, the flawed criminal justice system, etc. it’s so antithetical to abolition praxis. like, the detectives actually sit around talking about how people who commit crimes can never be rehabilitated and will 100% definitely commit more crimes in the future. truly horrible. besides all that, it also gives me nightmares! and yet, when it comes up on my suggested shows on Peacock, i cannot resist! i am very ashamed to admit this and was considering taking it to the grave, but this newsletter is all about putting my authentic self out there. i apologize for my crimes. go ‘head and slap the cuffs on, but then, are you really any better than stabler and benson? 🤧
what i’m suggesting
first of all, read. read up on Palestine & Sudan & Congo & West Papua & Haiti. and when i say read, i don’t just mean tweets. i mean books and articles, preferably by people from those cultures. watch this space for recommendations (i generally try not to recommend things unless i’ve read them myself, hence the lack of hyperlinks here, but feel free to share any you have read.)
this resource, Operation Olive Branch, has various links to fundraisers and mutual aid for families in Gaza. consider donating if you have the funds.
some brands to boycott. relatedly, i saw a tweet the other day about boycotting new Apple products (and, tbh, this could probably extend to most major tech companies) because Congo is being heavily exploited for cobalt, which is used to make our little smartphones and iPads and AirPods. in our day, it is difficult to not use this technology, but we don’t have to upgrade our devices every two years. and when it is time for an upgrade, investing in refurbished tech is a more sustainable way to go (i confess, i am talking mostly to myself here but if you need to hear it too, great!)
gratitude
thank you for reading this very first post of mine, as i dip my toes into the waters of sharing myself and my words, which is to say my soul, in public. i want to take myself more seriously, yes, and starting this substack is my first step towards doing that, but i am also trying not to put too much pressure on myself. i tried to resist the urge to make this post perfect (though i did read it over 100 times before posting), to spend months planning out the whole newsletter, overthinking it so much that i burn myself out before i even start. thank you to Michelle for pushing me to just start the damn thing, to worry about the rest later.
this newsletter will evolve as my thinking evolves. i hope that you give it a chance, that you stick around for the first few posts, and, if you decide you don’t like it, check back in every couple of months to see the changes that i will inevitably make.
wishing you the best out there,
jaysen h.g.
🔥🔥🔥